Pivot Pains

No one talks about the pain of pivoting — especially when you feel dizzy from the non-stop pirouettes you have to do to adjust to your new life.

I’ve always known that change is inevitable the moment I said yes to his marriage proposal. I knew, at some point, there will be compromises that need to be done to meld our lives into one. I have no regrets on this part. I will forever think that getting married, albeit too young and honestly not as prepared as how I envisioned it, is the best decision I’ve done. It certainly provided me a pathway of where I will direct my life — gone were the days of c’est la vie — and having a new purpose and plans invigorated me.

What caught me off-guard was being a mother this young. Yes. This was the part of the whole marriage thing that I did not expect to experience this early. After all the talks I’ve given my husband before we got married about the possibility that I might not be able to get pregnant because of my PCOS diagnosis, seeing the positive pregnancy test result was both a surprise and a mystery for the both of us three months in the marriage. It definitely has God’s plan written all over it.

I’ve done a lot of pivots to accommodate this big change. I’ve temporarily let go of my career because I wanted to figure out motherhood without being too dependent to our helpers in rearing for my son. I’ve also dropped my plans to do graduate studies because I’ve come to realize that motherhood will really take 100% of your time.

When Blakey turned one, I saw this as an opportunity to come back on track with all of the plans that I

When Blakey turned one, I saw this as an opportunity to come back on track with all of the plans that I placed on halt, however, circumstances were not too kind to me since the whole pandemic and my son’s health did not fully allow me to fully proceed with my gameplan.

I went back to work — which excited the hell out of me. I thought the gap I took from the corporate world was too long, but I was still able to go back to where I left off as a brand marketer. In fact, I was able to enter a multinational company, which was part of my 10-year career goal. But the more I’ve given all my attention to my career, Blakey’s development deteriorated and he started having delays.

It is so unfair. Just when I get my life back on track, circumstances would not allow me to progress.

To get to the long and short of it, I will have to pivot again. This time, I have to let go of my passion and get out of the corporate world — remove from my goals my plans to climb up the corporate ladder because motherhood has to be the new priority.

I will not be a stay-at-home mom, though. Being a homebody and a homemaker are not my thing. I don’t even know how to do most of the house chores and I cannot cook a decent meal to save my life (this may be a bit of a stretch, but you know what I mean). I have to start helping my husband managing the family business.

This was something I envisioned happening in the far future. I didn’t want to involve myself too much in the business because I planned on starting something on my own. I wanted to build my own name and achievements without being under the shadow of my husband’s family. I know this is more of my pride and ego talking, but validation of worth is important to me, and this is something I experienced as a brand marketer.

Now, I have to pivot and find a way how I can work around this. It is painful to always be the one to adjust. No one talks about the caveat motherhood brings — the unspoken rule of self-sacrifice.

I know I will find a way through this. I have to.

WFH mom struggle:  I had to take care of my clingy baby whilst listening intently and actively participating in my meetings. Que horror!

Blog entry footnote: I love being a mom. This has been my most fulfilling job ever. I am completely obsessed and in love with Blakey. I just hope I can have the full motherhood experience along with my entire life pre-motherhood. Wishful thinking at its finest.

Blake Phoenix

I’ve been talking about all the boys I’ve fallen in and out of love here on this blog and I realized I haven’t mentioned here the person that really made an impact amongst everyone else. This one, I can honestly and wholeheartedly say, is the person who made me feel the purest form of love.

He was an unexpected surprise. I wasn’t planning to meet him anytime soon — but that’s what makes the best love story, right?

Unlike the other meet-cute moments I had with all the other guys I’ve dated, our meeting is definitely nowhere near cute. I was bawling my eyes out and in soooo much pain when he first saw me. Let’s add here that I am literally cut open when I first saw him, talk about DYAHE. Few minutes after seeing him, I puked and passed out. I was definitely not placed in the best light and I might’ve not made a great first impression.

True love’s kiss for the boy I patiently waited to meet for 39 weeks ✨

I also got the privilege to name him. Blake Phoenix. He is our phoenix.

Somewhere out in the darkness, a phoenix was singing in a way Harry had never heard before; a stricken lament of terrible beauty… They all fell silent. Fawkes’s lament was still echoing over the dark grounds outside.“— The Phoenix Lament

In a way, he has given me renewed hope that I am capable of loving again. I mean, this is a different kind of love. It really is so raw and engulfing. The accurate description I tell everyone is that I sometimes feel like I am drowning for all the feelings I have for him — I have honestly felt that for anyone. I am amazed.

Everyday I am with him I get to know who he is and I fall in love deeper. He is bubbly, talkative, and jolly little boy. He definitely brings so much joy to my life. I’ve never felt complete until I met him.

Although I also know that I also need to slowly detach as he gets older. He won’t be mine forever. I won’t be the apple of his eye and his favorite person forever (albeit I currently am, so I am basking on the limelight as much as I can).One day, I know he will meet someone who will make him fall in love. Ohhh.. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for that, to be honest.

A future charmer for sure. I will definitely train this heartthrob not to break other girls’ hearts. Lagot siya sa akin if he does. But I am pretty sure he will be like his daddy so I have nothing to worry about.

I always ask God what I have done to deserve this little bundle of joy. He is everything I wanted and more. I’ve re-read my old blog entries and wonder if all the tears I cried when I was trying to find the right guy for me were preparations for the arrival of my chubby bunny.

We grew up.

For perspective, I am ✨ twenty-eight✨ now. I still remember the first time I wrote here when I was 19. Time really flew by quickly.

I made sure to re-read my old entries before I decided to craft a new entry.

I’ve always had a soft spot for this blog. I don’t know why I feel I owe this safe space of mine a follow through of what has happened to me after all these years. If only I could time travel and give my younger self a tight hug…

This blog started as my coping mechanism after a bad breakup. I needed an outlet to pour all those brimming emotions because I didn’t want anyone to know that I am not handling it well. I hid behind another relationship, a different group of friends, a hangout place far far away from the past.

I remember typing my thoughts on this white space with all the emotions I am feeling — mostly lost and confused. I was at the peak of my teenage years but I was so distraught.

This was my channel where I can document my thoughts so I won’t get myselfcompletely lost in the drunken farce.

There were some entries here when I vividly remember sobbing my heart out, but being extra careful with choosing the right words to type since I don’t want to admit that I was on the losing end desperately pretending to be happy.

Since there’s not much to do during the pandemic, I’ve re-opened the pandora’s box. I backtracked over the long weekend and read my old blog entries (even my handwritten diary). I wanted to get to know the my younger self even more — I wanted to understand what she went through from a different perspective.

I cringed while reading most of the entries. There were some that I couldn’t even stand reading. I thought I was mature enough, but you know what, there are still some paragraphs where I would pause, feeling extra exasperated because I want to slap myself and shout “GIRL, HE WAS GASLIGHTING YOU.” I didn’t know that new 2020-ish term then, but man, how naive was I for letting him trample me on like that? And why am I putting him on a pedestal? HAHA. Sorry, there were some pent up angst that were brought up.

Whoop, we are getting out of topic. I am just annoyed reading how much of I pushover I was.

Anyway, I will share here the deepest secret on this blog… the real message is hidden behind the poems. The essays were deception to what I was really feeling and what I wanted to convey. I guess I knew I wanted to keep that bit to myself.

This is why I love this blog so much — it is so raw. This is where I’ve been both truthfully honest and cautiously deceptive. Reading it now makes it so interesting because I can still decipher the real message of every entry.

Almost a decade after, I have finally accepted that some things are just not meant to be. The feelings slowly diminished while it was all transitioning to someone else. I couldn’t be happier to where I am now — but I also realized that I haven’t properly mourned the death of my suppressed feelings.

And yes, It’s been a while since I removed the shackles of what-could-have-beens and what-should-have-beens in my life. Admittedly, there were a lot regrets that replayed in my head. It took a while before I completely moved on, and here we are right now.

The perfect fire gave my bare skin third-degree burns.

The sting was so painful, unbearable.

Until it stopped throbbing.

The scars lightened.

The pain stopped.

And the wind of time blew away the perfect desire.

Goodbye, perfire.

The Wedding Vow

This is the first time that I read my writing in front of the person I intended it for and in front of our friends and family. I am glad I got to do this since I express myself best in the form of writing.

 

Luigi,

We were still both immature and too excited to experience the real world when we first met. We were the stereotypical fresh grads with a college hangover.

“The best has yet to come” was what God kept on telling me before I met you. This was during the time that I was getting too impatient and at the peak of my skepticism of the idea of love. God really has a way of surprising us and proving us that He is right and He will provide in God’s perfect time and, truth be told, the wait was definitely worth it!

So let me tell you this:

Someday, all my youth and beauty will fade and all that will be left is a withered 80-something woman who will stand by you through all the good times and the bad. All the looks will soon be gone but what will be left is our crazy selves even if we’re old and gray in our matching wheelchairs.

But before we get to that, please take note that I will make mistakes along the way. There will be times you will be annoyed at how I take too long to fix up or if I forget things you have reminded for the nth time. But what I can promise you is that my love for you will never cease no matter how many times you tease me or call out on all my “dumb blonde moments.”

You will always be my superhero, my confidant, my knight-in-shining-armor, my personal gym trainer, my math whiz, my adventure buddy, my number one cheerleader, my shoulder to cry on, and my best friend. Despite all the hardships, misunderstandings, and challenges that we will go through in the future, always know that experiencing it all with you is what will make it all worthwhile.

There are no words – believe me I tried– that can describe how much I love you.

Just know that I will always love how selfless and grateful you are with all that you have and how much you give credit to your loved ones, most especially to your parents, with how you’ve become (and I sincerely thank them as well for raising a humble person like you). And I will always love how you were able to patiently love a lost 20-year-old girl at her lowest point and how you brought her to where she is right now. That girl was me, if you’re wondering.

I will continue to love all your quirks, your mood swings, your video games obsession, your sports skills, and your undying patience since 2013 as you wait for me get out of work despite all the OTs. You are definitely God’s best. We complement each other in a “zipper” kind of way and it works great.

Today is mere formality, only an announcement to the world for feelings long held and these are actually promises made long ago that we continue to keep and we vow to keep for the rest of our days.

I love you, Handsome. I can’t believe we’re finally married!

Jitters

I am awkwardly afraid of how fast paced my life has been. I guess this is the over-caffeinated Bea typing away her thoughts on a Thursday night, but I have been thinking of so many things for the past few days.

ENGAGEMENT.

Whoa. Gone are the days that I can call myself his girlfriend – now I am his fiancee. This label makes me feel uneasy mainly because people my age are just trying to find their special someone, or trying to settle in their new job, or just figuring things out in general. And yes, I am still a part of that group who is still finding my place and settling down in the corporate world. That is why being in the frontier of twenty-hood all of a sudden feels surreal and I don’t feel I deserve it at this point. I mean, I honestly feel like I have not achieved anything yet career-wise…

But I love him and I have never been so sure of my feelings for him, so I said yes without hesitation.

WEDDING.

But despite my ramblings with the sudden change of relationship status, I am more than excited to marry my best friend and partner in crime. As sudden as this engagement is (at least for me, he must have planned this moment since the day we met), the days until the wedding will be shorter. One day he proposes and the next day we are planning the wedding.

It gives me the jitters that I am saying goodbye to singlehood at 24.

CAREER.

I honestly don’t know where I stand at this point. I am used to knowing if I am doing well or if I am aren’t. I mean, those report cards were very frank in telling me how I performed.

Well, I can only count on the number of new products I was able to launch and their current sales volume to determine how I fare with my performance – but in terms of appreciation… I guess I will just hope for the best.

 

Taylor Swift is finally on Spotify!

There are no words to describe the happiness I felt when I found out that Taylor Swift finally gave up her three-year boycott of Spotify and allowed them to share all of her albums for her fans’ throwback pleasure.

Her songs were the soundtrack of my adolescent life, specifically the Speak Now album. I remember feeling giddily in love at one point and being tearfully emotional after as her songs played nonstop on my ipod.

I especially loved how eerily similar her lyrics were to what I was dealing with.

Here are some of the songs that significantly tugged on my heartstrings:

1. Dear John

“Dear John, I see it all now it was wrong
Don’t you think nineteen’s too young
To be played by your dark, twisted games?
When I loved you so, I should’ve known.”

The accuracy of the age when I got my heart broken by the certain guy with the same name is amazing and slightly creepy at the same time.

I literally raped the play button of this song as I cried my heart out. I guess what I loved most about Taylor Swift is how I was able to relate to her with this song.

2. Sparks Fly

I remember playing this song nonstop when I was finally seeing the guy I had a crush with for the longest time. The “kilig” feeling was too much and I couldn’t contain it. I literally felt that sparks flew whenever he smiled. Even seeing his photos got me so crazy. (And no, let’s pretend I am not creepy)

We dated for, I think, a month or two until we both realized that it was not going to work because we both just got out of a relationship.

Zero regrets.

3. Back to December

The break up that I ended up regretting. This song reminded me of my guilt for breaking the guy’s heart because I was confused with what I was feeling. I realized while we were dating that I still was not over with my ex so I decided to end things with him.

And the list goes on…

How did Taylor Swift do that? The songs were tremendously apt for the love-related decisions I did in the past. If she really were serial dating for her music, I commend the bravery and the romantic sacrifice.

MBA, here I come.

Let me post this here to staple it on my 2018 goals.

I can’t believe time flew so fast. In a blink of an eye, I am on my fourth year as a legitimate member of the workforce. Gone are the days (which I can’t believe I sorely miss) of long lectures, homework, and deadlines from our professors, and now we are bombarded with real-life issues that are not graded – but places an impact in either our personal or professional life.

And even if I have been in Rebisco for almost two years, I feel and I know that I still have a lot to learn to make it big. I mean, I took this job in Brand Management without any background in Business. In a way,  I am thankful that I was a member of the Debate team back in high school and college – my exposure with different business-related motions and reading materials helped a lot. But there are just some days wherein I feel that my job requires a deeper knowledge that graduate school may provide. Though I am thankful that my current company offered (and still continues to offer) me a lot of opportunities and guidance to learn and master my craft.

I also want to prove those skeptics who thought that I won’t be able to make it big in the corporate world because I am only a Comm Arts graduate. This mindset goes way back in college when I got teased by my ex boyfriend (who was obviously taking a business-related course) that I should not work and be a housewife instead should we get married because my course would not provide me with a high salary later on unlike his “highly lucrative” course. They were also teasing my college (College of Liberal Arts) as a mere extension of DLS-CSB and should not be considered as a legitimate college in DLSU (in which I am abhorrent of and I sincerely disagree up until this day).

So here it is, I am going to take the leap of faith and gumption and take an MBA degree either in DLSU (my beloved alma mater) or in Ateneo. I am currently at the point of weighing in the pros and cons of each school. 

This will be one of the biggest risks that I am going to take because it will entail a lot of my resources (I will try my best to finance my studies), time, and my attention and focus from my career. This will definitely be one of the hardest “delayed gratification” moments but it will surely be one of the most rewarding and satisfying as well.

I know this move will have a lot of setbacks considering that starting now, I need to save my salary and to study for the entrance exams. Aside from that, I should also prepare myself for the sleepless nights and lost weekends and holidays to case studies, homework, and other school-related responsibilities.

Let this blog post be a promise to myself that I will go back to school in 2018 and make it big before I turn 30. Let this be a promise that I will give it my all and never quit no matter what adversity I may face in the process of achieving this goal. I am quite alarmed that I am only starting to prepare for this big step now, but you know what they say, it is better late than never. It is never too late to dream big.

 

This was me when I graduated with a degree of AB Communication Arts in DLSU-Manila four years ago. I will let this photo serve as an inspiration that I will be able to make it back to school and eventually make it big in my career as a Marketer in an FMCG company.

Mediocrity

I never thought I’d have the time of day to write on my blog again.

My mental diaspora from my literary self feels so empty. I wake up day in and day out thinking of mundane (mostly work related and a small percentage coming from my weight-insecurity issue) thoughts that did not have that much meaning when you look at the bigger picture; “What are the deliverables I need to accomplish?” “Will I be able to finish all of these within the given deadline?” “Am I getting too fat?”

Is this dilemma a part of adulthood that I just need to accept? Will this shallow thinking be beneficial to me in the long run?

My mind has been bombarded with so much petty thoughts that it constantly yearns for something more substantial.

In short, I miss being in a constant pursuit to learning new things. Don’t get me wrong, even though I am already working, I still make sure I develop my craft by reading a lot and constantly stalking my successful-person pegs on social media, but there is something lacking. Is it my need to go back to school and be surrounded with people who share the same passion with pursuit of knowledge as me? Is it my soul telling me that I am being mediocre by being completely satisfied with my sedentary life?

 

 

Or is it you, the so-called literary genius who comes and goes, who made me feel mentally insipid when you decided to finally disappear after the constant flickering of the flame?

 

Catharsis at 12 am

Quarter-life crisis is hitting me hard – and two years too early.

All these posts I see on Facebook about adulting somehow alleviates the confusion that I feel on a daily basis, but none of these cover the gaping hole of doubt in me.

I tried so many strategies in order to cope – the most difficult I’ve tried is convincing myself that everything is perfect and I am handling everything well, a.k.a the fake-it-til-you-make-it approach. IT DROVE ME NUTS. I kept pretending day in and day out that I am not dealing with anything, but it eventually led to sudden bursts and nervous breakdowns. It did not look pretty.

So now I am literally clueless on how to juggle everything and be little miss perfect while doing it. My last hope is to hopefully dig out some ideas in this brain of mine while I type away my thoughts on this blog at 12 am.

I feel like everything that requires a high amount of responsibility  right now is a mess. I try so hard to manage the cash flow in my bank account, but I still haven’t saved enough as I had planned. At work, I thought it was all going so well until I’ve come to realize that it wasn’t and I really don’t have anyone to help me out. Where I am right now is not how I pictured myself to be in before I graduated. My pace is not fast enough for me to achieve my goal when I reach 25.

I will try my best to figure out another plan (thank God there are 26 letter in the alphabet) in order for me to get out of this rut, hopefully it won’t be too late when that time comes.

 

Coffee Shop thoughts

I am in love with being alone while surrounded by strangers.

I am in love hearing random, muffled man-made noise – that little girl crying for attention while her parents are reading the morning paper, or that two businessmen talking about sealing a new venture, or that young couple speaking sweetly to each other as they sip their cup of joe.

I am in love with my anonymity. No one notices me on the sidelines basking in the sea of stories unfolding in this very small coffee shop.

This is my reprieve – it has and it will always be. This is my break from living my own life. This is the noise I love to hear while I block my the screeching sound of my own thoughts in my head.

 

I know most people (especially for those who know me) may think that this is an unusual thing for me to do, which has always been my struggle as an ambivert. This is how I unwind from being surrounded by the people I know since they always have an expectation that I always have something to contribute to what is happening at the moment.

It gets tiring, you know.

This is my break from the now. I am currently tired of adulting – thinking of the workload and the deadline that goes with it, budgeting my salary in order to be able to pay the bills and buy the things that I need and want, juggling to manage my time in order to maintain a work-life balance, and keeping my sanity at bay.

I am also tired of blocking off negative thoughts and negative people in my life – especially those who desperately want to see me fall even though I have done nothing but good to them.

I am so glad that today is a holiday because this is a much-needed respite from everything.