I’m the fool for letting old, useless emotions take over me

I take everything back. I couldn’t stand those horrible things I have posted on my last blog entry. I really have this habit of trying to push thoughts that I actually negate by posting a bunch of gibberish words on my blog.

I cannot feign hate on the person I have already forgiven — even if my forgiveness was never asked for.

What the hell was I thinking wishing her the worst when she is already suffering enough (I assume)? Just because I am happy with my life doesn’t mean I will wish those who have hurt me the worst. I was not raised that way. Besides, it is not a classy way to do it.

I want to be bitchy, but I really am not. I am harmless because I am mostly ruled by compassion (or sorge according to Heidegger). That’s the thing with us humans, we have this ability to feel for other human beings. We feel their pain even if we are not the ones who are experiencing it.

I try to convince myself that I will have the last laugh, but how can you laugh at other people’s misfortunes and sufferings? That’s just inhumane to do so.

I pity the fool

I feel bad for those people who are experiencing the karma they deserve. I just know how ruthless karma can be sometimes, I have been there. It will never be for the faint of heart.

The pain of being left alone by the person you love is almost similar to the pain of going through the death of a loved one. I, for one, would never wish that on anyone, even my worst enemies.

That has always been my mantra — until now.

So to the person who endlessly talked smack behind my back, I want to wish you a “boo hoo.” I don’t know what I did to deserve what you have done to me (considering the fact that I do not even know you), but this is one of the many perks of my decision to keep my class and be the better person; I get front row seats in watching the lesser person’s world burn.

Who said pity is a good thing? If anything, it is ludicrous if you find it even remotely synonymous to compassion. I will never, ever find it in my heart to give you even a drop of sympathy.

Standing my ground

There has been a lot of breakthroughs that I have experienced the moment I turned twenty a month back. Because of the almost unbearable amount of physical, psychological, and emotional stress I have gone through, I realized that it is best to know your place and to stand your ground.

My stance when it comes to how I will live my life is one of the many things I will be adamant not to change. A lot of people have judged me from the clothes I wear, the guys I dated, or even the lifestyle that I follow. It is annoying how they think that their lives are better because they behave the way society expects them to.

According to Nietzsche, only certain individuals could attempt to break away from the herd mentality. I am one of those who are desperately trying to deviate from the system. I hate it when people talk shit (excuse my language) behind my back because they find the way I live too radical and juvenile. I am too opinionated and headstrong to keep my silence and accept conformity.

So I will start by saying that, yes, I have a weird sense of fashion. There are times when I want to look prim and proper so I wear dresses that makes me look half my age and there are times when I feel wild and kinky so I wear clothes that are too provocative for most people’s tastes. What is wrong with that?

As for my lifestyle, yes, I am not a home body. I couldn’t stand being trapped at home and I always want to go out and have fun with other people. My idea of unwinding after a very stressful day is hanging out with my friends at the bar we always go to. I don’t get why people would stab my back and tell that my “irresponsible” way of living is because I am tied on my boyfriend’s very short leash as he drags me to wherever he wants me to be. I am not in some sort of mental paralysis or something, I have full autonomy over my life.

Stop hating.

Trying to revive my rusty skill: blogging

I am back — alive and kicking. 

There are a lot of thoughts that were supposed to be posted here which were impeded by the demands of the things that got me preoccupied for the past few months (thesis, majors, practicum). 

This is the most difficult term that I have ever experienced. For the first time, I literally bawled and blubbered over acads (I am just so lucky I have him as my solace during those trying times). Everything was so fast paced and it became too much for me. From the last few weeks of March until the last week of classes, I only run on 1-2 hours of sleep daily. I was becoming delusional and emotional as the days went by. My eyebags were growing another eyebags and my makeup kit was already covered with dust because I didn’t have the time to put makeup on. 

How I wish I were getting thinner during that time, but no. Since I didn’t have time to go to the gym anymore and my eating habits had been unhealthy, my progress went back to zero.

In short, I became a living, breathing zombie.

But I guess all those tears, sweat, and sleepless nights paid off because I am officially graduating and we passed our thesis. Our short film is finally done and it is everything I imagined it to be. My inspiration in writing the script was from someone very close to my heart. He was the one who removed me from the writing-rut I was going through during the script-writing process. He was the one who gave the story depth by sharing his story.