The dream relationship

We are so far from this, but I still have my hopes up.

The never-ending I’m-not-good-enoughs

Have you ever felt being in a situation wherein you are insecure with everyone? Have you ever felt that there is always something that you need to fix about yourself?

I have.

It sucks when your self-esteem drops and there is no one, not even the person you love, who can appease it. Some people say that it is an internal, personal matter that only you can fix. But I don’t think the constant reminder of my need to lose more weight or my need to dress more provocatively is helping me get over it.

Honestly, I know that there are a lot of things that I need to be grateful for. I know that I am not bad looking (some people would even want to look like me even if my cheeks are huge). But I just wish that I will be good enough for the person that I love. It actually hurts that I always feel like there is a need for me to compete with girls who have bigger boobs, slimmer stomachs, and longer legs.

This is who I am. No matter what I do (with the exception of cosmetic surgery), I will never be your perfect Barbie doll.

Maybe this is the product of the very degrading break up that I have experienced from my last relationship.

I want to feel good about myself, just like everyone else.

I want to feel loved and coveted for who I am, not for who I am trying to be.

I am not a clay that you can easily mold. I am not as malleable as you think.

I don’t want to compromise my identity for others’ sake. I love who I am.

When will you love me for who I am?

High status boyfriend.

At last! We have finally figured out what was wrong in our relationship. The endless shots of Bacardi and Tequila have done its duty — it cleared my head. It made me realize that the reason why we could not reach a compromise is because I have been someone else. I am not me anymore.

I have turned into my ex — I was not clingy or a killjoy before. Back when I was in high school, being drunk was my weekend thing. I did not resent partying or socializing. I always reach a certain kind of balance between my studies and my social life.

But after being with someone who had a different perspective on that regard for almost a year, I got tainted with a different mentality as well. I turned into a hermit who would rather just sleep and stay in the condo. (There is nothing wrong with being an anti-social, it’s just that, it gets dull eventually).

As my boyfriend would say, “he drained the life out of you.”

But now is all about awakening and bringing back the real me.

Anyway, so the past couple of weeks, I have been drowning myself with booze, flashing lights, and loud, booming sounds. I love having carefree weekends with heavy make up and kinky clothes that made me look a couple years older. What’s great is that I get to balance school and partying now that my boyfriend has a work. I also don’t have to worry about splurging because he pays for everything (though I am not, and never will be, a gold digger).

And yes, one of the factors why I have to make an effort to look good is because the pressure to keep up with the level of my boyfriend went up the ante now that he is working in a government agency with a high-paying salary.

I don’t really mind. It’s actually flattering to be with someone who is always dressed up and looking all corporate-y — neckties turn me on.

Halloween’s a couple weeks away. Slutty ogre, that’s what I will be.

Dear you,

Now that everything is right in your world and everything is wrong in his, you are blinded. What goes around comes around — this world revolves around a karmic cycle. There will be a time that he will be happy and you won’t be.

You will realize that there are only a few pearls in a sea of weeds. You will realize that the pleasures in life will eventually dull out, your conceited passions will wear, and his love for you will fade.

So get down your high horse, I have been there. I know how it feels to be wanted by many. At the same time, I also know how it feels to regret foolish decisions — just like what you are doing now.

I am not saying that leaving a dysfunctional relationship is wrong. But I am just saying that it will be different when the world turns and you’re the one alone and he isn’t.

I see myself in you. I feel bad for you. I know where your situation is leading.

I wish you nothing but the best, my friend.

A momentary fornication with the past

There are a lot of questions that have been roaming around in my head for dasy, maybe weeks even…

…and my only resort was to play with fire, which I did, of course.

I tried my very best to resist its warmth — the familiar feeling — to ease up my frustrating inquiries.

It got me more confused. One answer led to another question. The cycle, I figured, is infinite.

There will always be room for more doubts and fears especially with this very curious mind.

But I figured it all out.

There will always be instances wherein you would want to run back to the past. It is like your childhood home — you feel that everything will be alright because you know every nook and cranny in it.

But that is not the point of life, we need to keep moving forward.

That is the only way you get to find your place in this world. The place where you will be truly happy..

I am not saying that this decision is the one leading to my destination. I am not even sure if this is the right one.

The only thing that I am absolutely sure of is that it is better than staying where I am and fretting about the “what-ifs” of life.

There will be bruises in the process — tears, heartbreaks, frustrations — but the hell with it.

This is the reason why we are alive. This is the quest. There is no pause button. We just keep moving forward.

So cheers to the past. I had fun while it lasted. I learned how to love, cry, forgive, and so much more.

But now is the time to move on, and you should too.

Realization Part 3

Familiarity. Safe zone. Comfort.

If anything, the pains that I have experienced these past few years didn’t make me stronger, it turned me into a craven.

It is depressing. It almost made me run away from my relationship and turn back into the past. I was so close to making a mistake — so close to regretting and turning back to looking at what-ifs.

Though I admit, I am not sure if staying or leaving is the cowardly act.

 

All I know is that I was blinded by my fermented emotions from the past that is why I overlooked the one that I have in the present.

Venting out is not lashing out.

I finally understand why too much compromise is bad. The act of being selfless leaves you for granted. When you finally voice out your qualms, those feelings you reserved in you to avoid quarrels, you come out as the bad guy.

I am not cut out to be a heroine. It is not in my nature to step down and be pushed over. To some extent, yes, I can willingly accept being treated like this. But this has got to stop at some point. I must not tolerate this. My friends are right – I don’t want them to be. It’s painful to be proven wrong, especially when it took you quite a lot of gumption to stick to that belief.

I don’t want to give up. I am holding on for dear life. My fingers are slowly slipping away from the rope. I grasp with all my life. Help me out.

my child-like history.

I still read what you write.
In every word you utter,
I see your rhythm and rhyme.
I remember days filled with promises of beautiful tomorrows.
I remember days of sonnets and nights of prose.
We disregard others and make worlds of our own.

Everything was easy.
We thought forever was eternity.
Then we wake up.
Forever is limited.
We were not infinite.

I miss all of it.